One of the things that I have found that makes the biggest difference in how well I am getting along with my kids is regular one on one time. This can be hard to manage, especially if you have several children or if you are a single parent. But it is one of the most effective things too.

My husband and I take the kids on dates occasionally. Typically, we get a meal out with a child, and then some activity - an inexpensive one, like a trip to the library or park. Now that my kids are older, they want more elaborate time together, like a movie or bowling or something. In that case, we don't get dinner, but just maybe a treat.

But the one my kids seem to remember the most is when I would take a child on a walk on Saturday afternoon. We would stroll around one of the trails around the area. Each child had a favorite spot. One liked to go along the river to where there was a tire swing. One liked to go up the mountains. One liked to go someplace new every time. The great thing about this was that it cost absolutely nothing, and we were guaranteed alone time, because no one else knew where we were.

During the walk, we would just talk. At first, my daughter Anne was suspicious. "Did you bring me here so you could talk to me about something in particular?" she asked. "No, I just wanted to spend some time with you."

That has remained one of the ground rules about our dates. We spend the time having fun, not criticizing or scolding or interrogating. The dates are just to have fun. At the same time, we're building a relationship. I think kids, especially those struggling with mental illness, hear so much negative stuff, so many questions - are you taking your medicine, how did therapy go, are you doing your homework, are your chores done, are you having bad thoughts, are you hurting yourself - that we as parents have a duty to make sure they hear some positive stuff - I love you, you are important to me, you make me laugh, I like spending time with you, good job on handling that school project, you look great today.

Whether you go out to dinner, our for a walk, or just to the store to get an ice cream cone, I really encourage you to make time to focus on each child. This may seem like another task designed to cut into your busy time, when you are already stretched to your limit trying to get things done. But as I spent time with my children, I got to know them better. I found out who they really were. I gained insight into how to handle difficult situations. And their behavior improved a little, as they realized that I really cared about them. Now whenever I can feel things are getting especially tense, I try to remember the last time I had private time with that child. If it's been a while, I know that I need to clear my schedule and make time for him or her.

Good luck with this, and remember that you are not alone!

Gwin

When my girls were younger, they needed a little help. But they were too young for conventional therapy. Then we heard of a place that did play therapy. They used graduate students as the therapists and it was very affordable.

So what is play therapy? Who is it for and when is it recommended?

Play therapy is a guided experience for children, usually ages 3 to 12 or so, that uses the power of play to uncover hidden stressors, which the therapist can then gently help resolve. Sometimes it is used primarily for diagnosis. Play can also be helpful in cognitive development. And while it doesn't look like much is going on, in reality, the child is free to work on some big problems.

My experience with play therapy is that much depends on the therapist. Because of the nature of the facility we used, there was a lot of turnover, with the kids getting used to a student, only to have that student complete his hours and then leave. We did finally find one therapist that both girls liked. However, I'm not sure it was extremely helpful. The problem is that for very young children (mine were around ages 6 and 8), there just aren't a lot of options out there. Most therapy is geared toward individuals old enough to talk about their problems and understand how to change their behavior. In theory, play therapy would be ideal for young children. Our experience just didn't quite live up to that.

Of course, you have to decide what is best for your child. I am not expert, just a mom who has had to become educated about mental health topics. I found some helpful links on the Wikipedia site for further reading.

I am in therapy also, along with both of my daughters, and my therapist just recommended this book to me. It's called "The Dance of Anger" by Helen Lerner. So far, the focus has been on the fact that EVERYONE gets angry, and that's a perfectly valid response. I haven't gotten very far in the book, but I can tell it will be helpful in sorting out some things from my past and in helping my children handle their anger more responsibly.

The following is a quote from Amazon.

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers.While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches women to identify the true sources of our anger and to use anger as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.

As a nice LDS mom, sometimes I may have a tendency to be ashamed of my anger, or to feel that I have no right to be angry. But I have realized over the years that pretending I am not angry will not make the anger go away. Instead it will surface somewhere else, as another emotion, and it will be more difficult to deal with. So my experience has been that I can take my anger to the Lord and ask for help in figuring out why I am angry and what I need to do next.

I'd love to hear your experiences too. So far, this has been a very quiet blog, but I hope that word will get around and there will be more readers soon.

Gwin

Welcome to Heavy Laden. My name is Gwin. I have been struggling for a long time, looking for someone who could understand what I am going through. I am married to a great guy. We have 3 kids, a 17 year old daughter with depression and anxiety, a 14 year old with depression, social anxiety, and Polycystic Ovary Disorder, and a busy, active 12 year old son. I also have my own health challenges, which can cause a lot of pain sometimes. And I am an active member of the LDS church.

I started this blog because I felt like I wanted to talk to someone who would understand where I am in my life right now. Because my daughters are wanting to keep their illnesses private, I can't really talk to very many people in real life. I have extended family that I can talk to, but not all of them are active in the church, and our approaches to life is very different.

So I turned to the internet, but couldn't find anything here either. There are some great blogs out there for parents of autistic children, for parents who homeschool, or for parents of developmentally delayed children. But there was nothing for parents like me.

I decided to start my own site, one that would provide a safe place for other parents and teens dealing with mental illness to talk about what's going, while having their beliefs supported. This doesn't mean that we aren't free to whine and complain, to rant and to cry. But I hope that by keeping this struggle within a context of the gospel, the overall feeling will be a positive one. Because of the sensitive nature of the discussions, you are free to post with your real name, post anonymously, or use your real name.

The name for this blog comes from Matthew 11:28-30:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.